I'll never give you away. I've already made that choice. It happened slowly, but suddenly. I can't tell you when in my heart I knew that you were here to stay. That I would fight, go against my insecurities, doubts, and pride to keep you with me. This is where I am now, looking at my future, and no matter how far I look, how bleak or joyous it may seem, you are there. It's daunting to feel so certain of your presence, to link so many moments with you. It should scare me, but what it does is exhilarate me. Okay, it does scare me a bit. It scares me to realize how much of myself I have given to you, to this extent.
I haven't told you yet. I gravitate around you, pretending it's all still the same, that our relationship is still the same. Yet, something fundamental in me has switched. It's like waking from a dream and realizing that it's real. That you are real, we are real, and I don't want to go back to that haze. I want to stay in this clarity. I've figured out how to tell you, but it sounds so stupid in my head. I know you are not one for fluffy emotions. A part of me feels like you would roll your eyes and call me romantic. But it's so serious, so life-changing. I've never felt this way about someone before, this need, this vicious desire to never let go, to grip tight until death.
How can I tell you this in a way that doesn't make me sound crazy, needy, or creepy?
Is it creepy?
I think so.
I used to call people like this in the movies creepy, those who would go to the moon and back to keep their partner, who would raise hell, fight gods to get back that love. Unfortunately, I now see myself doing it. Yes, I would pick a fight and face a giant, 2 meters, 100 meters, I don't care, just to fight for you. And I wouldn't be scared of the giant; my fear would be of losing you. How silly. Serves me right for always thinking those characters were silly weirdos.
Here I am. I can't even tell you what we were talking about. My eyes are lost in thought and on you. I think I've memorized your face now, memorized every micro expression. The eyebrow raise, the smirk, the lip bite, the creased eyebrows, I know what it all means. I know that if I simply reach over, like I am now, and gently grab your hand in mine, a happy smile will play on your lips. There it is, the little smile, raising your cheeks, eyes a little wider, happy.
Why does my heart feel like it's about to burst out of my chest? God, it feels so full. So full that it hurts. I grip your hand tighter without realizing it. Then suddenly, it's like maybe you see something on my face. Maybe you can read me as much as I can read you. I doubt it. I like to think that no one can know someone as much as I know you. Or at least, how I think I know you.
"Are you okay?" you suddenly ask, your eyes searching my face.
I can't tell what my face is doing, but I can describe how it feels inside my being. It feels hot, burning hot. It feels cold, freezing cold. My heart hammers, beating to unknown drums, so hard that I think you can hear it. I think maybe the neighbours can hear it. I feel dazed, vision blurring slightly. It feels like there is a car slowly backing up on my chest. So tight. So constrained. It feels like I've trapped a beast inside. It claws at me, and the harder I try to keep it in, the harder it gnaws. It's pain, it's fear, it's euphoria.
"Heyyy, what's going on?" you ask, your eyes worried, your demeanour a little concerned, your voice soft and tender.
Your hand raises to my face, slowly caressing my cheek. It's soft and familiar, and oh, how I never want to willingly lose this. Not to fight for it. The sensation of your hands on mine.
And it's like that, you loosen me. My will to fight is gone, and the beast slowly emerges from its cage. And it's beautiful; I can't believe I had kept it inside for that long. You don't see the beast, but you hear it.
It says, "I love you."
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