If you are looking for me.
It is absolute darkness here where I am. It’s a strange kind of darkness. One that changes, grows, shrinks, envelops and follows me. I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead. If you do eventually find me, you’ll see that I’ve been brave. You’ll see the tracks of my footprints, and the trails that my fingers have carved as I’ve tried to climb out. You’ll see discarded tools that I’ve been trying to mold to set myself free.
If you are trying to save me, find me in the dark.
My head is barely above the water. I am constantly exhausted with the effort it takes to keep myself from drowning, but I am determined. I’ve faltered before and submerged. The water tore at me and tried to swallow me, to turn me into darkness. It was a horrible feeling. So I keep fighting, trying to save myself. It’s a daily battle. Some days I do better than others. There are days I feel invincible, that I can walk on the water if I just keep breathing. Because the truth is that I want to. I desperately want to keep fighting, to keep breathing. I want you to find me.
If you want to love me, find me in the dark.
The dark has taken many things for me. It has chipped at me. It has left me wondering if I’m worth it. If I’m worth anything. It has left me wondering at my weakness. The dark taunts me: It’s been years, how come you haven’t climbed out? The dark has stolen from me. It has stolen a lot of time and memories from me. But I am still here because I think I’m worth it. There is a small hidden feeling that remembers who I was before, the darkness got too big. The part of me that admires how hard I fight, that I can still make people laugh, that I can be kind, and that my heart keeps beating. And I see it in your eyes as well. I am worth it. I deserve to live, to love and be loved.
If it takes too long to find me, I’ll keep the dark from growing.
This darkness hides me. It keeps me from speaking too much. It dims me and deceives those around me, shrouding me in drugs, humor, and deflection. It uses my human nature to keep me from telling you where I am. But I’ve seen the way you look at me. I’ve seen how you observe. I see how hard you fight to get closer to my being. How you insist on staying no matter how much I fight you. I say some terrible things, and I do some other terrible things, but you stay. You are so bright, have I ever told you? You give me hope.
When you find me, I’ll fight for you too.
I know it won’t be easy to find me. And I know that once you do, you will have to fight with me. Don’t worry, I know a little on how to fight. I have had years to learn, and I will teach you, so that if the darkness ever takes my memory, if it ever blinds me, you’ll know where to find me, and drag me out. I’ll teach you how to swim against the tide with me on your back while I try to remember how to stay afloat. Your back seems strong, but I promise to never abuse it. The darkness keeps telling me that you’ll eventually leave, but I have learned that it lies.
I am waiting. I am fighting.
Find me in the dark.
For those who haven’t given up, those who are fighting alone.
I hope you have been found, or will be found.
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