Surrender

I mourn for what waits on the horizon

I rehearse for the pain that it will elicit

I have slipped between the veils,

And witnessed the sorrow yet to be bestowed.

I grieve prematurely,

Hoping to elude the full weight of grief.

I bargain with gods, seeking serenity  

To face the event and endure

To balance the void with the joy that once was,

To illuminate the absence with memories of now.

Despite countless rehearsals and endless goodbyes,

Choked out in waking dreams, then again in quiet slumber.

I have not ventured far enough.

I imagine how days will feel, living with profound loss

In fear, I have tried to love deeper, do more, be better

To weave these beloved memories into a canoe

That might one day save me from drowning in a sea of tears

Yet it has become quite clear: there is no preparation.

Grief does not rehearse

What remains is learning to surrender

To love a life lived with a breaking heart.

Not to be stronger when tragedy arrives,

But because even now, while we’re still here…

My heart breaks just the same.